I’ve been pondering over the notorious concept of time management. Can this unseizable human invention be managed in the first place?
Everyone’s favorite blogger and – i believe – as of currently the most popular & widely followed Zen master in English speaking world, Leo Babauta, has written this amazing post http://zenhabits.net/3-day-monk/ where he expands on the ‘3 day monk’ syndrome ie. the tendency to obsess over certain things for brief periods of time; Leo concludes that “the key then is not being a three-day monk, but saying a 20-minute every-day prayer. ”
I can’t do that – for the life of me. Which is, i do meditate on a daily basis for over two decades now, but my interests vary and i really can’t strain myself to do things i don’t feel like doing anymore.
I don’t know about you – but my overprotective parents always pushed me into things they thought good for me, and – heck – choose not only my clothes and activities, but even people i was supposed to make friends with!
Thus i ended up studying subjects i wasn’t interested in, hanging out with people i didn’t really like and – to my teenage detriment – wearing clothes i hated.
God Bless them, but albeit i am 42 now and they are in their mid seventies and early eighties respectively, they are still doing their best not only to influence my choices – but to make them instead of me… and it’s just the way it is in these parts.
Of course, by now it’s down to subtle manipulation, but before it was sheer force – and it’s from there that i developed this utter inner revolt against anything i should be doing.
So, if you feel like being a monk for three days – why wouldn’t you be one?
Who says we need to pursue every single activity persistently and continuously? What for?
There is plethora of methods and techniques out there how to stick with people and things one feels aversion to… Why would we?
I don’t get it. Unrelated to Leo’s post – as he does something very different and quite new – every single spiritual teacher i had met in real life vented against ‘spiritual tourists’; but the truth is that’s against all the spiritual truths! Why would anyone stick to a guru or a method they don’t like – more so for decades?! Enlightenment is a very disputable concept, no one knows what is it and God knows whether it exists in the first place! I’ve met people who claimed to be ‘permanently enlightened’, but i do doubt there is such thing – i saw them being angry and cranky and mean and whatnot… I experienced these exalted states of consciousnesses myself – and probably you have too; when you feel you are one with everything, when it is all peaceful and happy in a calm way and all answers are there and everything makes sense. These are the most joyous moments of my life and yet they never last longer than couple of hours or a day.
I am yet to see an enlightened master who is blissfully happy when driving in a rush hour – or while being involved in any other regular and highly stressful everyday activity; maybe it is possible – to be permanently zen – but indeed only if you are a monk.
But i digress. So you feel like being a monk for three days, and then going bungee jumping and whatnot the next three? Why not?
That’s more or less what i’ve been doing ever since i can actually choose what i want to do and i can’t complain about the results.
It is ok to be a monk for three days and if you feel like being one every third week – or even every third month – for three days; in three years or maybe in thirty years, but certainly at some point of time, you will indeed arrive where you need to be, while skipping the metaphorical everyday self-whipping and wallowing in guilt.
Of course, i can’t attend to my cat every third week, but living with her is a choice i made consciously and i enjoy it – at least most of the times.
I haven’t decided about having children yet and it is definitely not a thing i’ll decide on lightly; i love kids but i am not sure i want such kind of commitment.
I am not sure about marriage either, my rule of thumb is: if i meet someone with whom i am happier and calmer than i am on my own – and it is like that over prolonged period of time – then yes, otherwise i don’t really see a reason to do so.
Both traditions i relate to – Montenegrin and Jewish – are deeply rooted in family values, but i am just not sure it will work for me. I love deeply and feel very devoted both to my parents and to my extended family, but is it what i want for myself – i am really not sure yet.
What i do know is that there wasn’t a way to pursue what i wanted – while being married and having children, at least not where i am from. I do respect every woman who married young and raised a family – and this kind of genetic marathon is strongly encouraged by both traditions to which i belong, but i simply couldn’t see myself in their place; whenever circumstances started to smell of such an outcome, i had run away – and i must confess i don’t regret it the least.
Being married here is somewhat specific; most of the newly wed – at least for the first time – live with husband’s parents; it has nothing to do with material possessions (or the lack of it), it’s simply a tradition and the way it is. Even if the newly wed don’t literally live under the same roof with the parents – the latter heavily involve in their life, on a daily bases and i can’t stand that.
Most of my own girlfriends who are married – no matter rich or not – spent the first five years of their married life with his parents and that’s the part which i know i can’t make. Then, there is the endless promenade of siblings, cousins, godfathers and godmothers – the rule here is that one’s home should be always opened and the family – welcoming. Of course, there is sociological explanations behind it – the institutions here are weak so one has to rely on their network of friends and family for just about anything, from medical appointments to finding a job; but that would exclude me time and to me personally, that is way more important than everything else put together.
I was called selfish – but i don’t think that knowing oneself and putting one’s own interest first is selfish, more so i think that putting extended family’s and tribe’s interest first, especially if it’s done merely due to social pressure, in 21st century is downright stupid.
And the funny thing is – according to statistics, the richer the society – the higher is the number of single households and the other way around; so somehow i feel i am not the only one who sees the tradition shifting.
Also, when we look back – the history of humanity is basically a history of endless suffering, so i am not even sure whether the models we’ve known so far work at all.
Montenegro is one of the most conservative countries in Europe, and according to many – the most conservative one; what i know from first hand experience is that patriarchy and stemming from it macho culture is equally damaging both to men and women – luckily for both it is dying, even here. It is a long-lasting and painful dying, but by now it is obvious; still we are facing issues and challenges that West had overcame back in fifties.
Anyhow, it takes a girl a lot to be in her right to choose what she pleases to do; sadly or not, for many of my generation it also means not marrying because for now it is difficult – if not impossible – to have a family and “to be a monk”, even if for three days only, and even only every third month.
“Strange Times to be a Jew” comes from Michael Chabon’s novel The Yiddish Policemen’s Union which i’ve been reading and enjoying thoroughly, will expand on it soon! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Yiddish_Policemen’s_Union
I am a spiritual shopper. I take little bits of different spiritual practices and adopt them for my own…so I’m a sort of Christian Pagan ice-cream with sprinklings of Buddhism and a couple of other faiths drizzlled over the top.
I pray. But not to a big Sky God with a flowing beard and a tendancy to turn people to pillars of salt 🙂 So, I don’t know if I’m a 3-day monk. If something isn’t working for me, I discard it (well, if the Dalai Lhama says that’s ok, then it’s fine by me too).
Your parents should meet my mother (I actually typed ‘my bother’ so there’s a Freudian slip if there ever was one!) who prefixes every statement to me with ‘do you know what you should do?’ and then proceeds to ride roughshode over what I’ve just said…..but she does it with the best of intentions. I suppose.
I think that the Dalai Lhama is right – do what works for you. If throwing oneself into something for a few days works for you, spiritually, then do it!
And having children is not all that it’s cracked up to be. Not for me anyway. Love my son to bits, but I was very depressed after he was born – had to give up my job which I had loved. Now it’s much better. Older children are very entertaining. But he’s only a temporary fixture in my life – he’ll go off and do his own thing.
So it’s important to me to keep my core values and interests. Thank GOD for the internet!!!!
Ali x
Thank you for commenting Ali! I am a spiritual polygamist – legally married to the four practices i knew lol! I was only 18y old when i shared a flat in London with Mexican girl who was direct student of Hose Silva and she thought me the “ultramind system ” back then; i took it further later on, did courses and all and practiced regularly and it did develop my ESP significantly; 20+ years later i am so over visualizations and stuff, i don’t use any of it anymore, but their sleeping technique is the best and also couple of advance thingies i learned, so i kept that for ever.
Then it was Vipassana and albeit it is not my main spiritual path – i keep doing breathing awareness at least 20 minutes a day and most days 40min and more; it makes me more lucid and less anxious. I’ve learned from a teacher here a kind of spontaneous Yoga – or better to say a dynamic meditation – which i combine with the Bikram Yoga sequence, actually as a warm up to it; also i keep Jewish dietary laws because they are anyway the best for my blood type (B) and Holidays too because i love that and because it became a tradition with both my Jewish and non-Jewish friends and family. And, honestly – i am happy, i can’t stick to one teacher anymore and no need to do so, at certain patch of the road a woman shall start to walk on her own, i believe. 😉
I know it is possible to have kids and be working and spiritually fulfilled too; it seems i wasn’t really lucky so far because with me it sadly was either – or; the work i did was very engaging and with all these interests – i’d need someone who’d be willing to somehow fit into that, at least partially, but to give up all of it, i can’t , it feels like giving up own my own self! But, we’ll see what future brings, i know it will be fine anyway it turns out! ❤ ❤ ❤
My husband and I had to move away from our extended families. They were resentful, angry, manipulative, and guilt-tripping, since we didn’t go to “enough” events with them and weren’t welcoming enough to them in our home. It was unbearable, since we barely have time to see our good friends and do our hobbies outside of our jobs and all the errands and tasks that make up life. I’m guessing they think we’re inconsiderate and selfish–but taking care of oneself was considered the highest value in ancient pagan societies. So I completely sympathize with you!
Aww, i am really sorry you went through that! I had similar experience with some cousins – and i am not in touch with them for over a decade now because i also can’t be bothered, life is too short for that! The rest – the majority – of my family is awesome, sadly they are scattered all over the world and i seldom get to see them, it’s mostly down to skyp and facebook, and sometimes either i travel to meet them or they visit; i wish i had someone closer here, but sadly, none of my cousins live here! I had more problems with fake friends – and that took me a while to get rid of them – at first in my own head and heart, that was the really tough part for me! I guess for people like you and i who believe in and at least are trying to act for the highest good of all – it is difficult to recognize those having an utterly different, opportunistic motivation! I wrongly believed before that, given that ‘alike attracts alike’, i can’t really attract the negative souls… well, not true as i found out, more so, the brighter you shine – the darker souls will be among those surrounding you! So, you did right, no need to feed the dark side and keep sharing with ‘energetic vampires’, you are a lightworker and indeed you must shield yourself! xx
Sorry you had to go through that with some family too. I completely agree–life is too short for psychic vampires and won’t respect you for being true to yourself.
Yes, the head and heart part can be difficult, especially since most of us are raised in a society that encourages the use of guilt and manipulation to make others conform.
I love your phrase “feeding the dark side.” That’s a great way to view it.
You are right – and i’ve been giving it a lot of thought – to which extent guilt and manipulation is used to make others conform! Thank you for commenting! p.s. I loved your post on tea blends – and am looking forward to experimenting! And your book reviews are just awesome! I am very glad we cyber-met! xx
(((( Lena ))))
Lol, thanks Jim! I am ok with the choices i made – and always ready to change an opinion 😉 xxxx
It wasn’t the best comment,lol, I just mean’t that I think people who who care about you.. just want you to be you. Have just adopted a little furbaby kitten, she is keeping me busy, like you said, it was my choice & I really wanted to, have named her Ali.
She is so friendly & and an absolute delight to be with.
And what you said about: at one point in the road a woman will start to walk on her own (well… I think you already do that Lena) at least from what I have seen you write in the time I have gotten to know your work.
It is an honour to be your friend (gender aside, I do believe we all have our own roads to walk) without being pushed or led (after a certain age anyway).
Bless your road & each step you take upon it…
(it is always a woman’s perogative to change her mind anyway 😉
Omg, Jim, you have a furbaby!!! Mazel tov! I am so looking forward to seeing the pictures of her! You know, i was a dog person all my life – until Manya adopted me… It’s a story unto itself, promise to write it for you!
Much Love,
Lena Ruth
xxxx