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‘Nuff of this eclectism. Separation has so deeply penetrated into every single cell of the society that it does comes across as uncool of Tarot to be so inclusive and tolerant!
Normal people don’t feel at ease with this Tarotists’ ‘according to your belief system’, ‘ ‘whichever you find appropriate’, ‘whatever resonates with you’…
What’s this liberal wishy-washy stuff?! I mean, really, its like you are totally dismissing the interests of your clergy… they need to make a living too, you know!
So, here is how to avoid that hippie utopia!
In a visible place put a big sign, if possible in flashing letters: Kosher readings 24/6, closed on Shabbat
Demand an affiliated synagogue’s recommendation letter from your sitters – in case they fail to provide it, firmly refuse to read for them.
Ask them to recite Shema Yisrael (full version), unless they do so – proceed as above.
Before the reading, ritually burn a Pagan Tarot deck of your choice and deliver a speech against false idols – that should get you in the zone, the state in which you want to be during the reading.
Start the reading with “Nu?”
Upon hearing the question – reply “Is that a question a nice Jewish boy/girl would ask?”
When you get your sitter wallowing in guilt – shuffle the cards and lay them down.
Suggested positions: Whose fault is it? What were you thinking? Is it good for the Jews?
Suggested cards interpretations:
The Fool: The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “Oy.”
Death: Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.
Emperor: Just wait until your father gets home.
Empress: Never lie to your mother. And if you do, never think you got away with it.
Five of Wands: Be nice and achieve all things. Elbow your way and achieve them sooner.
Suggested revision of the Celtic Cross spread:
Recent Past – what else you should feel guilty of
Distant Future – what else you should worry about
Near Future – start worrying
Born Again Christian
Have at least one Purity ring on each finger.
My beloved will wait for me one hundred years of solitude
True love is waiting for Godot
Pure Before God – no-sex-before- third -marriage
First things first – promptly administer second Baptism and thus facilitate the burial of your ‘old sitter’ and the coming to life of the ‘new sitter.’
Before the reading, ritually burn a Tarot deck that accommodates or celebrates gay, lesbian or bisexual sexual orientations.
You don’t actually need to learn the card’s meanings – quote Scripture. If you don’t know any quotes because you haven’t read the Bible, make up references and attribute them to the Book of Zombies (12: 34) or the Book of Chupacabra (56:78).
Suggested question: What would Jesus do?
Suggested card interpretations:
Devil: Ask the sitter – How will you spend eternity, Smoking or Nonsmoking?
Seven of Pentacles: Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
The High Priestess: Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives.
Suggested Celtic Cross alterations:
You need only two positions
Past / A Lost Sheep (alternatively – Prodigal Son)
Outcome / Rapture
You should come across as disengaged and detached as possible.
Preferably, ignore your sitter for at least couple of hours, while practicing breathing consciousness and advanced loving kindness.
Demand that sitter answers the following: “Two hands clap and there is a sound; what is the sound of one hand?”
Refuse to read for them if they can not.
Don’t answer questions – whatever your sitter doesn’t know – they are not meant to know. At least not at this time. And we all know that there is no time in the first place.
Remove the Suit of Swords from the deck – the mind is an illusion.
Suggested card meanings:
Ten of Cups: you’d better leave your family behind and go wander around the world surviving exclusively on bugs and spiders as long as you don’t discover the root cause of just about anything
Devil: Everything is suffering.Everything is illusionary. Your suffering is illusionary, and so is your arthritis.
Death: If you see a Buddha on the road – kill him, but watch out not to kill an ant and thus cause suffering to a living creature
Lovers: Don’t make choices. Let the choices make themselves if that’s their karma. Sit and observe.
Suggested Celtic Cross alterations:
Remove the card representing the Sitter – because there is no Self (again, i don’t know whose arthritis is it.)
Remove Past &Present, introduce “Here/Now” instead.
Remove cards 1 and 2 as an illusionary dual trick of the mind.
You need to be cloaked and bearded; in a visible place display the following items: cup, sword, pentacle, lamp, crown, collected works of Aleister Crowley and the Magick Fire.
Read exclusively Thoth Tarot.
Start by performing several ceremonial banishing rituals – try to banish the sitter in the first place.
If your magickal skills are insufficient yet and you fail to do so – stand firmly in your magickal circle and do not step outside of it; promptly materialize a sigil with your sitter’s name engraved in it – in old Greek.
Do not allow Sitter’s will to interfere with yours. Tell them what thou wilt.
Suggested card interpretations
Lovers: Recite entire Alchemical Wedding of Christian Rosycross from beginning to end -by heart, then administer the Gnostic Mass according the Book XVVVV/ LCVIIIII, pp. 346578 – 987666
Temperance: Give your sitter an intro into medieval Alchemy, natural dew content and its subsequent influence upon Sulfur and Mercury of the First Matter; citing Crowley and Harris epistolary novel explain the symbolism of the white lion shapeshifting into red eagle and viceversa.
Hermit: Explain the symbolism of the Orphic egg juxtaposed to Stephen Hawking’s black holes and baby universes theory, including as many Greek myths as possible and full Egyptian pantheon.
Chariot: Have Da Vinci Code handy. Start from Ezekiel’s vision of the chariot, then explain the relation of blood of saints to Knight Templars’ Order and fast forward to nowadays masonry.
All Minors: If you don’t remember the exact Qabbalistic attributions – don’t you worry, hardly anyone does; say any number from 1-32 and come up with a Path’s name ‘the steep path from inglorious basterdness to scarlet woman’s semi-aeon via abyss that stares back at you’ should do.
Being a Thelemite, you do know that anyway Tarot is not meant for divination.
Copyright©2012 Lena Ruth Stefanovic
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